I Was a Child Who Pleased, and I Still Please

Every time I see myself on video, I immediately recognize the people-pleasing behavior and still feel uncomfortable with it.nMy smile looks forced to me, and I look like someone begging to be loved.

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Then I think about how I'm like this most of the time, not just on video, that almost everyone sees me with this people-pleasing manner, and I just want to bury myself somewhere.

I wish I could be nonchalant, like my father (he's a 6/2, so it's not difficult for him), to simply be who I am without trying to be likable, without trying anything, but I'm probably not quite there yet.

Moments of Wholeness

I have moments when I'm at peace with myself, with life, and for a while, I'm free from this. During these times, I don't fear the return of people-pleasing because I feel whole and I don't judge my pleasing self.

And then insecurity returns, and the pleaser emerges from the bag 😉

The Child I Was

I think about this child that I was—an open heart with pure love… a child.nAnd at some point without warning, everyone thought, that's it, I grew up. I can talk, I can do some things by myself—I look grown up. I wasn't.

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And suddenly they no longer saw my open and vulnerable heart, they saw a person, and a person needs to be agreeable, take responsibility, and clearly express what they want… tasks that even adults find difficult.

And I'm just trying to penetrate this mirror that separates us—"Hey, you don't recognize me, it's me! Why are you angry? I'm doing my best… What more do you want me to do, just tell me and I'll do it! Oh, you like when I'm cute? Look, I'll be the cutest ever! Just see me, just love me…"

Loving Myself

And today I just want to be able to give myself the love that they weren't able to give me when I was a child. To see me, to listen to me, to accept me, to believe in me, to be excited about me…

*I want to be me – and love it*nFor myself and for Naomi.nSo that she too will grow up feeling worthy and loved.

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In the picture: You might see Oren, I see a pleasing smile.

Read more about listening to myself and the inner voice.

For more on overcoming people-pleasing behavior, see this resource.