I used to suppress my anger out of fear of creating conflicts and losing control over my relationships. The more I suppressed my anger, the more tension and emotional distance I had in my relationships that I expressed in a passive aggressive way.

These days, when I get angry I allow myself to feel it and express it directly. I feel it as heat in my chest and sometimes in my throat too, a slight tremble in my body, and my ears feel like they’re pulling back like an angry cat’s ears. I then say something like “I feel angry” without hiding my angry tone, which makes it very clear that I am indeed angry. Whoever is in front of me will understand that I am not comfortable with something that’s going on, and that I am expressing myself out of this dissatisfaction.

While I’m angry I don’t stop caring or sensing the person in front of me. I don’t fight that person, but I do allow my anger to fill me and give the tone to my expression.

The anger is valuable to me. It helps me to stay connected to what’s important to me, not to fool myself or others.

On the other hand, when I’m triggered, that is, overwhelmed emotionally – then I say something like “I need some time alone to calm down, let’s continue talking later” and I give myself time to engage in pleasant things that let my mind rest.

If I’m unable to deal with anything because I’m so frustrated – I usually scream it out into a pillow or in a place that doesn’t disturb anyone. Hitting a pillow or a punchbag also helps.

Then, when I’m back to myself, I offer the other person to have a talk. I’m probably still angry, but since I’m centered – it doesn’t control me.